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How to ask for help from people who don't know you
21 days ago
- Asking for help is a skill, not an innate attribute; the key principle is to put yourself in the other person's mind.
- To make someone want to help, demonstrate you are worth helping by showing proof of work, personal connections, or institutional credibility, with proof of work being the strongest.
- Explain context concisely by connecting it to what the other person already knows, using borrowed attention wisely.
- Make requests easy to accept by reducing costs, being specific, low-friction, and bounded in scope.
- Make it easy for the other person to say no to avoid pressured yeses and build genuine, willing help that fosters relationships.
- Never lie in requests, as dishonesty undermines credibility and any chance of a positive response.
Most arguments are about ego, not ideas
22 days ago
- The author, a software engineer, stopped arguing because winning arguments often led to personal alienation rather than persuasion.
- Correctness is not always beneficial; it creates a dynamic of right versus wrong, producing a loser and damaging relationships.
- Arguments are often ego-driven rather than about ideas, making rational debate futile and turning disagreements into personal fights.
- Humans are primarily emotional beings who rationalize feelings, not logical creatures, so logical arguments are often ineffective.
- Correcting others rarely helps; people learn from consequences, not advice, and unsolicited correction is usually perceived as criticism.
- Help should only be offered when explicitly requested, as it creates an opening for advice to be received without ego barriers.
- Instead of arguing, profit from differences by building on unique perspectives, treating disagreement as an opportunity or competitive edge.
- The only person one can change is oneself; focusing on self-improvement shifts one's experience of the world and brings peace.
- Self-improvement comes from seeking feedback and listening humbly, as ego prevents learning and growth.
Banter
13 days ago
- Banter involves calling someone out for a transgression in a way that makes it clear the loss is small and they are still accepted in the group.
- It helps cap potential social anxiety by acknowledging flaws openly with humor, preventing unspoken tensions and defusing social land mines.
- If a person feels insecure in the group, banter can backfire, leading to a spiral where they react defensively, showing it's unsafe to joke with them.
- Friendships that survive conflicts or banter often feel more secure than those based solely on 'Good Vibes Only,' as they build trust through resilience.
- Banter expresses acceptance of flaws and foibles, signaling that minor point losses don't matter, fostering safety compared to silence or harsh criticism.

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How to ask for help from people who don't know you

Most arguments are about ego, not ideas

Banter